I choose to live in social isolation. I choose Solitude. Many people in the world of social media share their desire to be alone from time to time. But all of them go back to the world after a while. I chose not to come back.

It started little by little. First to go was the TV set. No one was actually watching TV shows at home. All shows, news, movies were interrupted so many times by the same commercials that watching became a pain. I didn’t need TV actually. I could follow news sites online. TV shows did only brainwashing. I was capable online of selecting from which sites to receive information about the world. I was also able to stay in touch with the news in my field of work. At first, I was following the usual scientific magazines I used to follow before. Then I updated the system and I realized I do not care anymore about those papers. I didn’t care for any world news. The feeder was gone.

After the feeder, it  was email’s turn. I stopped writing to my old friends, who by this time were spread in various countries in the world. Anyway, they were not writing to me, why should I? After that, I stopped writing to my professor. I have graduated, he seemed not to be interested whether I have a job or not, why make the effort of staying in touch?

It became easy to let go of everything. I was not communicating with the neighbors anyway. In the shops, there was no need of a conversation. It seemed to me that no matter how much effort I put into building a friendship, the other part chose to ignore it. So I decided to stop seeking friendships. Around that time, my daughter was born. I thought she would change my isolation. The opposite happened. My solitude deepened. I was feeling let down by myself. I was a failure – not capable of finding a job ( such big expectations! All my life people kept telling me that I am talented, that I will have a great success, that I will concur life…. ), not capable of being the perfect mother.

I still do some going out for some grocery shopping and to take my daughter from kindergarten. I do not want to speak to anyone. I do not want to pick up the phone. I do not want to exit my solitude.
I am a hikikomori.

 

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