I am a person who loves order. My friends often tease me that I am a borderline case of some disorder or other. My life partner learned the hard way that at home each item has its own particular place. No forks are allowed to mingle with the spoons. No pyjama party for the socks and T – shirts. The vacation journey must be planned ahead and scheduled down to the minute. Sloppiness and lateness are my enemies.
I thought I had my life under total control. I was satisfied. Untill…
Until one day I had a crazy idea : Let’s have a baby! Everyone is advertising that babies are cute. The media shows us smiling toothless angels. The movies always show sleeping peacefully children or older ones playing by themselves. Yeah, it would’ve been good to add another member to our family. Little I knew! The risk turned out to be enourmous.
I had an easy cloudless pregnancy. I read lots of books on pregnancy. I ignored the heaps of books on childrearing. Why should I bother with them? Aren’t children supposed to be good by default? All members of my family were chanting whole my life praises how good, well mannered and tidy little thing I have been.
Then came the birth. Nothing was like it was supposed to be. The Plan, my anchor in life, shattered. The birth took longer than expected. I was exhausted, I wanted to sleep. The little daughter had different ideas. She didn’t want to sleep. She cried and cried and cried. She didn’t want to be fed every 3 hours. She needed her own schedule. Then, she decided to get seriously ill. She was only 2 days old when she was transferred to the intensive care unit. Again no sleep, no plan, no structure of the day for me. My precious daughter was cured within a week and we came home. I was loking forward to this event. I was dreaming of the structured life I had had. But I came back to the kingdom of Chaos – sleepless nights, cries without reason, disorder at home, breakfast time for me at noon, no time to stop, take a deep breath and make a schedule!
I kept the hope that once she is older, she will turn into a small copy of me. Little I knew! She is almost 5 and continues to be the wild animal who disrupts my love for order and cleanness. The house is still chaotical, her room is the scariest place for me.
Do I regret having her in my life? I don’t know. I love her with all my heart and yet…and yet there are evenings when she is fast asleep and the house is silent and nice when I wish I haven’t had the idea of getting pregnant. Who knows, perhaps my life would’ve been better…