I am a person who loves order. My friends often tease me that I am a borderline case of some disorder or other. My life partner learned the hard way that at home each item has its own particular place. No forks are allowed to mingle with the spoons. No pyjama party for the socks and T – shirts. The vacation journey must be planned ahead and scheduled down to the minute. Sloppiness and lateness are my enemies.

I thought I had my life under total control. I was satisfied. Untill…

Until one day I had a crazy idea : Let’s have a baby! Everyone is advertising that babies are cute. The media shows us smiling toothless angels. The movies always show sleeping peacefully children or older ones playing by themselves. Yeah, it would’ve been good to add another member to our family. Little I knew! The risk turned out to be enourmous.

I had an easy cloudless pregnancy. I read lots of books on pregnancy. I ignored the heaps of books on childrearing. Why should I bother with them? Aren’t children supposed to be good by default? All members of my family were chanting whole my life praises how good, well mannered and tidy little thing I have been.

Then came the birth. Nothing was like it was supposed to be. The Plan, my anchor in life, shattered. The birth took longer than expected. I was exhausted, I wanted to sleep. The little daughter had different ideas. She didn’t want to sleep. She cried and cried and cried. She didn’t want to be fed every 3 hours. She needed her own schedule. Then, she decided to get seriously ill. She was only 2 days old when she was transferred to the intensive care unit. Again no sleep, no plan, no structure of the day for me. My precious daughter was cured within a week and we came home. I was loking forward to this event. I was dreaming of the structured life I had had. But I came back to the kingdom of Chaos – sleepless nights, cries without reason, disorder at home, breakfast time for me at noon, no time to stop, take a deep breath and make a schedule!

I kept the hope that once she is older, she will turn into a small copy of me. Little I knew! She is almost 5 and continues to be the wild animal who disrupts my love for order and cleanness. The house is still chaotical, her room is the scariest place for me.

Do I regret having her in my life? I don’t know. I love her with all my heart and yet…and yet there are evenings when she is fast asleep and the house is silent and nice when I wish I haven’t had the idea of getting pregnant. Who knows, perhaps my life would’ve been better…

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9 thoughts on “Risk

  1. I understand your need to plan, I have that and drive everyone crazy with it, but I, too, can’t stand tardiness.

    Also, I feel that it’s so important that you don’t know if you regret deciding to have a child. At 19 I don’t have children, and whilst I too (even at this age) am taken in by the sweet images of babies that are everywhere, a big part of me also wants the order and control I can have by not having children be dependent no me. It’s great to read a post that echoes these feelings.

  2. If it’s any consolation to you, I had similar thoughts, especially when my 3 were in their younger years. Felt like a war between my mind where the “I wonder if …” thoughts were, and my heart where the “I would die for you” feelings of love were. This too shall pass.
    Enjoyed the read, thanks for posting this.
    Marianne
    PS … “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star” – Friedrich Nietzsche, author and the same guy who said “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”

    1. Marianne, thank you for taking the time to write a comment. And thanks for giving me hope about my wildling at home 🙂 I was afraid at first to publish this piece but now I am happy I did. Strangely enough I was thinking about Nietzsche’s “That which does not kill you…” while writing. 🙂

  3. Appreciate your raw honesty! I chose not to have children [a rare affliction] but I had worked in child protection services for too long … from that and working with kids with cancer I can assure you that most parents feel this ambiguity but seldom express it. Hope they read this post … you will glimpse moments of order once she starts school but life will never be the same.
    You have embarked on a the most important career of all – motherhood!

    1. Hi calmkate! Thank you for leaving a reply. I appreciate very much your input. It is good to know I am not alone. Also, I think parents must get the courage to speak up their true feelings and thus to help the rest of us.

  4. Children are certainly a risk! I wish someone had told me that growing with kids would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do! I was a “place for everything” person pre-husband & pre-kids: gratefully, my attention energy has been diverted to other things – I think I just learnt to let go because I was going crazy otherwise!

    Thank you for taking the risk and sharing your feelings & thoughts. Sending you positive energy for strength to enjoy your child!

    1. Thank you for stopping by and for all the positive energy! You are right- I have to learn how to let go. Not being able to let go has always haunted my life. Enjoyed your blog, by the way. I too like to eat and try new dishes from around the globe.

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